I am exhausted. Every day I wish I could be more and more of something I’m not, but that I know I’m capable of. It’s so hard to try. It makes me not like myself because I know what I can be and what I can do if I just try. But instead, I just stay on the brink, the outskirts, and I don’t ever really make that breakthrough that I need to. This life is so short and sometimes we don’t realize it. I’m already 23 years old and I don’t know where the years went. I think I have the ability to really bring out the worst in people, and also the best, but I want to/need to be my best in order to bring out the best. Many people don’t know me as well as they think they do, and I think we are all like that. When we go out to socialize, we bring our best, nicest selves along and most positive vibes so that we can connect and communicate. I don’t want to change who I am, but I just want to be the best me all the time. In quiet moments sitting in my house, or when no one is watching. I know I am human and that I make mistakes, and everyone makes mistakes, but there are certain negative things that do not need to happen as often as they do… I need to work on bettering myself in so many ways.
I do not like the saying, “sometimes love just isn’t enough,” because I disagree. If we were to fully love one another, unconditionally, and let love shine, it would be enough. It is always more than enough. Love has the power to conquer anything. We just aren’t as dedicated to love as we need to be in this life. And I feel like those that actually do dedicate themselves to love are so happy and at peace. If we can just meditate each morning before we go out into the world and start our day, release the negativity, the stubbornness, the evil, the anger, the human… if we can relax our minds and bodies to fully take on the day with the best attitude possible, the best intentions, the best us, and set out to make each day count, we would make this world a better place. We are all spiritually connected on this earth, and one person can make a difference simply by doing their best to be an advocate, believer and practitioner in love and peace. Energy is all around us, connecting us and guiding us, we just have to see it and dedicate ourselves to it.
I remember when I used to go to church camp and for one week, I would be sucked into this spiritual feeling, so present, ready and eager to praise and worship and learn. I wanted to be a light in the world, to go back to my everyday life and practice what I had learned… what had made sense to me and help others understand what I had witnessed and experienced. But when I got back to real life, where God wasn’t being made the focus of my life every second of every day, I slipped. I fell immediately back into my old ways, back into humanistic, selfish things that didn’t make me happy, but that were easy. I didn’t practice what I learned. I didn’t share my wisdom. I didn’t spend time each day studying, meditating or praying. Same thing with basketball camp. I would go for a week and play basketball from morning til night. I improved tremendously, loved what I was doing, feeling great… but I didn’t practice on my own when I got back home. I didn’t make it a part of my everyday life, so it failed to benefit me in all the ways it could have. It is so easy to say we want to change and to even see what we need to do in order to change, but actually implementing the change is hard. I don’t know why. But if we just do it, get in the habit of doing it and it becomes like brushing our teeth or something, we will be SO MUCH HAPPIER.
Music has taught me so much of this feeling that I am searching for. It makes me whole again when I hear or experience it. I chase that feeling because it is just so beautiful. The connectedness of the crowd, the love, energy and beauty that comes from the music, the way it resonates with our souls, hearts and minds, the way we feel it all as one united entity – as one collective consciousness – it just makes so much sense. It gives me the feeling that there is nowhere else in the world I am supposed to be. It brings crazy amounts of joy that the experience is being shared with complete strangers, yet these strangers become a family.
So much can be learned through music. Dedication is necessary for us as human beings to reach happiness and peace in the highest and fullest sense. Realizing that we are connected to every person, every animal, every plant – that this beautiful earth is our playground for the manifestation of our beautiful souls and that life is short…. This is what I am striving for within myself. I know I need to learn so much and practice being more spiritual so I can bring light and love to this world.
a wanderer from the west
did go upon an unclear path.
as bone and flesh, alone they went
through dark unholiness.
…a wonder, “can i find myself?”
brought clearing and a voice
nobly born, seek spiritual dawn
the path is open
it’s your choice.
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