Have you ever had someone – whether they are in your life or just someone you know from a distance – and you become infatuated with the idea of them or what they might have that you don’t, and it affects your self-confidence? I know that sounds weird, but it is something that I struggle with. Maybe it’s not really a person, but more of a lifestyle, or a place they live, or a job or something materialistic that you think they have and you aren’t able to have… that you daydream about having literally all the time til you become jealous of that person, or people, that do have it. I don’t know if anyone else who will read this has that problem, but I do. So I think writing about it will help me identify the reason for its existence, and help me get rid of it. Because in the end, it really bugs me so much that I can be a “jealous” person.
Obviously it all stems from self-confidence issues that I’ve had for years. Seeing people, watching them from the shadows (sounds creepy, but in all honesty, I did that in high school… and no, I didn’t have any best friends back then), knowing that I would never be like them or have what they had was not a good feeling. But I’m past all that now. I am happy with myself, my life, my ability to make friends no matter how awkward or shy I can be, and my willingness to let go of the messes I’ve made in the past, and be the good person that I know I am. My foundation is strong and the family and friends that surround me really are what makes this life worth living/loving. So, while I may be confident in the woman I’ve become/am becoming, I think my true confidence hasn’t come to full light just yet. I think I am getting there, and that one day, I will have all the confidence in the world that I need in order to do anything I want to. I really do believe that.
Sometimes my jealousy stems from being over-protective of things or people that I love. It’s good to let friendships and relationships aerate, breathe, grow and manifest into something more grand and loving. I don’t want to keep it all to myself. I want to share it all. And I do feel like I give back, 100% if I can, to everyone I know. Or at least I try. I may not get the same in return, and I may fail to assess the big picture accurately, but I believe I will do anything for a friend or a loved one who needs whatever I am able to offer. So maybe I hold on too tight. Maybe that is what causes me to be closed off and not open. My mind is open, but my feelings, my emotions prohibit me from being as open as I would like to be. Even saying this makes me jealous of people who are able to be completely free and not care at all what anyone thinks about them or what they do or who they are. I think I care too much sometimes.
Beauty is so often misrepresented. It’s not always what we perceive it to be. We all know the saying, real beauty lies within. I feel like there are definite moments, more often than not, where I do see all the beauty in people that surround me. I see their kindness, their soul, their light and love and I feel so blessed and honored to know them in this life! Sharing those moments with the wonderful people I have come to know and love is something that keeps building upon the cycle of spreading joy to others. When someone shows you pure kindness, when you make a connection, you are motivated and inspired to show that kindness to someone else and keep the connections flowing and vibrating through your words and your fingertips. I only hope other people see the same in me and see me for who I really am, underneath any shell I’ve created for myself. Because I want to be more free. Free from myself and my own inhibitions and my jealousy of what I think I don’t have. Because what more do I need than all that I have right here, right now?
I wouldn’t call myself a “jealous” person, but it has been something I’ve struggled with in the sense that I’m lacking true appreciation and content for all the beautiful things that have come into my life, and that is a sad thing. Of course, I do realize it, and I know I am blessed beyond belief, but the feeling creeps in every now and then and I lose sight of what matters. I should be confident in all that I have worked so hard to overcome, in the people that I have invested my time and energy into that are in my life for a reason, and I should be okay with what I look like without make-up, in my most natural state! I need to believe people when they tell me I’m pretty, and believe them when they compliment me. But most importantly, I need to remember to feed all my energy and thoughts into positive actions and dreams so that I can continue to grow and reflect, and force negative feelings, such as jealousy, out. Love is the center of it all!