It’s hard to believe there was a time in my life where I actually relished and enjoyed darkness. In college, I explored myself profoundly and the things I saw were terrifying and confusing and I had to understand and know why I was that way. But what’s more, I sometimes felt like I was most comfortable there. Quiet. Watching. Listening. Honing in on beauty, longing for acceptance, waiting for answers, growing through doubt and feeling almost complacent in loneliness and mystery. I have distinct memories of sitting on a bench by myself somewhere on campus, people watching or soaking in the trees’ whispers, or walking barefoot in the rain to class with no umbrella, or waking up in the mornings and letting the vibrant greens in nature after a storm fill my eyes with wonder, smelling the books in the library and trying to get lost in the Stacks. I always had random notebooks, journals or sheets of paper filled with words. I explored my mind constantly and I always tried to be aware of the beauty around me. But I felt alone. I felt sad. I talked to myself and my head was constantly circling with thoughts. In the midst of all the chaos surrounding me, or drama in my life with friends or boyfriends, I cherished my alone time more than anything. There was always this sense I had that nobody could or would ever understand me, no matter how close I let them or how much I let them see. But for the most part, I didn’t let people see because every time I did, I would get so upset or angry that they didn’t understand or care and it disappointed me. This is how I felt on the inside. I didn’t always show it and I of course hid behind certain shields to protect myself.
My life isn’t perfect now, but I have seen things and experienced things I never thought I would. My whole world has changed and the crazy part is that sometimes I long for those days of confusion and complete adolescence. I don’t know why. It is a place that I was so used to. But one thing I’ve realized is that life is all about timing. There are specific moments in life that occur at just the right time and you look back and you just know your life would be so different if you didn’t meet that person at that exact moment or you weren’t in some place at some time when something amazing or terrible happened. Our choices and timing are everything and I have to believe that we are given these moments over and over in life, but we don’t notice or realize why until we are ready to see it. Every moment is a gift. Something special could happen in any given moment, but if we aren’t ready to see it, or if we are too blinded by our minds or inhibitions or fear, then the moment passes. And there are times when we ask the question, “Why me?” but if we take the time to look back at our choices and what we saw or didn’t see, it might become more clear why we are hurting. But all is not lost because there will always be more moments, more chances and when we are ready, our lives can change in an instant. Isn’t that so powerful?
I remember this experience vividly that I had when I was young. I was at church with my Nana in Paul’s Valley because she really wanted me to see this prophet speak. So I was sitting there in church, listening to him speak, when all the sudden he just stopped mid-sentence and looked me in the eyes. He walked over to me and started speaking to me and asking me questions. He said something to me that I will never forget. He told me that I was beautiful, inside and out, but that there would be a period in my life where guys would only see my outward beauty and they would not really “see” me. He told me that it would be okay though and that I needed to wait, because God was telling him that one day there would be someone who saw me, inside and out. The sermon was taped on a cassette tape. When I got a copy, I took it home and I played that part over and over again. I think about it now and I get so emotional. I don’t know what you believe in, and I know we all have our different ideas of God, but this was something so powerful to me and makes so much sense when I look back on my life. When Gareth and I first saw the movie Avatar in theaters, there is this part when they tell each other “I see you.” It was how Gareth and I felt about each other, and it was perfect. And it’s funny to me that I’ve seen Gareth for many years of my life, known who he was, had a crush on him even, and even had missed opportunities in college where I ran away from him. But there was something about that night at The Deli when he saw me dancing from across the room and we connected immediately. It was our time. Our moment. And we both knew it instantly. Crazy stuff!
After we met, my life was on a roller-coaster of change and more and more opportunities and moments began to happen and my eyes began to open. There have been trials and tribulations, but right now I can truly say that I have never been so happy or confident in my entire life, and looking back, I know it’s because through my journey in this life, I was finally ready to get out of my head and see things that were right in front of me. I was ready to take a chance and I knew something special was about to happen. So that’s my little rambling of the day and things I’ve been pondering. I will always be myself and I will always have dark moments, but I also have love, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.