I’ve been thinking how crazy life has been these past 4 years. So many things have happened in such a short time, and it just keeps on evolving. I am happy that I’ve kept this blog for 3 years now. It documents so many experiences, so many feelings I’ve had throughout these years, and it serves as a journal for my thoughts.
I just wrote a blog about Gareth and I buying a new home and how much we love it. I still can’t believe it’s our home! It’s our third place to live with each other, and so far, the happiest. I don’t think that really has anything to do with the house though. Our first apartment was… a learning experience. We were beginning to understand the concept of “home” with each other, away from our parents, and it took us quite a while to adjust to it. Looking back, that 9 month period could either be considered the best or the worst time of our relationship together. Best because we were so young and impractical. Worst because – well for the same reasons! It was hard. It’s where Gareth cut his hair, got a “real job” and it’s where I learned how to cook meals using an actual stove (and no, not grilled cheese!). We fought with each other in order to fight for our relationship. And yes, a few objects were broken in rage. I’ll never forget it. Neither will he. To say we have come a long way since then would be an understatement. The Apache house is a different story. It’s almost as if we categorize our evolution with our place of our residence at the time!
We’ve managed to learn how to control certain aspects of our personalities, but that’s not to say we still have our moments! Of course there are times when you don’t want to control outbursts or feelings building up inside of you. But inner peace is our goal, and that is being able to control those emotions, to stay unaffected by things we have no control over, and to not let our anger take over our love or blind us. Chemistry is something from the stars. Life is not about maintaining that chemistry 24/7, but realizing if something is off and the chemistry isn’t perfect, let it be. As much as we would love to remain 100% connected, it’s just not possible.
I think what I’m trying to say is that falling in love is one thing, but maintaining love is hard work. In the beginning we feel something so fierce, that we believe there will be no more suffering. We feel so intensely that our troubles have disappeared and that life finally makes sense.
But we all evolve. We all change. Therefore our love changes. Looking forward is a dream. Being present is what we all strive for, but we can learn so much when we look back and spend time thinking about our past without becoming stuck or fantasizing about it. Pain and suffering are inevitable when we attach ourselves to people or things. But I realize now that any suffering I have felt is not so harsh because I have that unconditional love in a partner I will spend the rest of my life with. I hope that makes sense in some way. In bringing this all together, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am learning that it is okay to not have that undying chemistry with my partner at all times. There are moments when we fall in love all over again. There are moments when we experience joys and highs together because of all the beauty we are surrounded by. There are moments when there is just that feeling of peace because I know he is mine and I am his. I know we desire to be with one another, that we are making this life together, that this is what we chose and we are both extremely happy with our decision. Because in the beginning, it didn’t feel like a choice. It felt like a calling, or an omen. Now, as we choose to keep functioning as a pair, while also growing as individuals, our love means something different, something more. Each triumph we have is a part of making something greater for “us”.
Being content and happy is the feeling we associate with our new home because it symbolizes a new beginning, a future where we will someday have babies, and a love that has overcome so many obstacles, and will continue to do so.