Ramble, Ramble……….

I’ve really been wanting to write lately, but I’m just unsure what I should write about. I don’t have a theme, moral, or topic. I just feel the need to write… something…

paintings/whereirest_lj.jpgWhat’s been on my mind? Lots of things – but most of all I’ve been thinking about my own well-being.

I need to find a hobby. Something that makes me happy that I do just for myself, that is a form of expression and creativity, and that I will actually stick with. I do tend to have short-lived hobbies. I pick something up for a little while, but don’t stay dedicated. I often think about going to the gym and shooting hoops again, but I feel like I’ll suck b/c I haven’t played in forever or lifted weights. Negative thoughts!!! Go away, please. I have always felt that if something didn’t come naturally to me, I didn’t want to force it, but that’s probably just because I need to practice… something that’s always been difficult for me.

I have always loved crafting and giving gifts to people. I want to learn how to hula hoop.. really hoop, at some point. I want to collect art, travel, read more books, pick up my drum, and stay connected to all my friends. I want to set goals. Experience motherhood. Find my passion or my purpose/destiny.

Patience. Sometimes it feels like our lives are in fast forward, and there are so many things to get done and so little time of day. It can make our connectivity shift or feel off kilter. It can make us feel like we are co-existing, but not necessarily functioning as a team. I need more patience with life in general and to focus on just being and not thinking about what needs to be accomplished or what I’m doing or not doing. Just take it in strides. Which brings me to…

Just Be. I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. He was telling me how he is so caught up in searching for the present, that he leaves the moment behind. There is peace found in the not-knowing. If we spend our whole lives searching for something, we will miss out on those fun, spontaneous, and meaningful moments. I love conversation, and I love exploring my mind and daydreaming, but if that’s all we do, we aren’t simply being. And if every time we talk to our loved ones about these mysteries of life that haunt us, we could miss an opportunity to just hang out and experience all the beauty surrounding us.

It’s also something I see with people who are so intent on living in the moment, that they aren’t actually living in the moment at all, they are living in the past. When you focus on moments that just happened, or something you did that you deemed spectacular or worthy of praise from your peers, the moment has passed and rather than people around you taking it in, it is ruined by interpretation. It’s difficult to stay present and just be. The future is what we look forward to and the past is what we know to be true. Nevertheless, what I will strive for is to just be.

Mood Swings… I have been experiencing the craziest mood swings lately. I can’t stand it! I have always had them, but lately it just seems so intense. I rarely feel “normal”… I’m either in a really good mood, or I’m in a tense, depressed mood with a splitting headache. And it literally changes from day to day. I never know how I’m going to feel. And during both it’s like either great memories flood my mind, or not-so-good ones. When I’m depressed, I am so in my head that I literally can’t understand or see things clearly or how they are. I’m wondering if I need to be more spiritually sound (well, I do, but I wonder if it will fix the issue), or if my hormones are out of whack b/c of my cycle/birth control, or if I’m really just crazy! Or all of the above. I don’t actually think I’m crazy, or that there is something wrong with me, b/c I am just me… right? I sometimes feel like I’m extreme versions of myself, but maybe that is normal for me?

When I think about myself, I think I have so much love to give, like neverending amounts of unconditional love to whomever/whatever requires it of me. I also get stressed out easily and I have the “Past Tense” essential oil on my desk b/c I never know when I’m going to need it. I used it about 7 times yesterday. I’m super emotional, but I really do love that quality about myself. I cry when I’m angry b/c I have to let it all out some way and anger is really sadness! I hate being angry. I hate being in fights with Gareth, and I hate feeling like my best friends and I aren’t on the same page. (I don’t care if I use the word “hate” in these contexts because it’s true.) I don’t think of myself as a judgmental person at all b/c I’ve had PLENTY of people judge me in my life, and it does not feel good at all! So while I had a chip on my shoulder for years, I’ve let it go. I am very traditional when it comes to family and friends. I’m stubborn to no end – and I get it from my mama. (Love you, mom.) I have found that I’m not always right… and that it feels good to give in and say sorry and just let things go, but it’s something I need to work on still. My favorite thing to do is listen to people when they need it and try to help them find a solution or help them feel better. People always open up to me, even if they might not know me that well, and I always listen and try to help in whatever way I think will work for that person, because everyone needs that.

See how much I analyze myself? I think too much. But I have to, so I can understand myself, my strengths and weaknesses. I feel better already.  Life is about being in the present moment! When I write, I feel so present.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Halloween and that everyone feels loved! Give more hugs! They transfer positive energy and everyone needs to feel that.

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About KindandCrazy

I like to express my creativity and explore the depths of my own mind (and others). I really do live in the moment.. sometimes to a fault. I love and embrace the gift of life. I am a dreamer.
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