With her bare feet, and my heart as the stomping grounds, the moments that meant so much to me slowly but surely beat into a black heart. And even deeper yet, to an untouchable meadow that I’ve seen before, but is unfamiliar to me now. As I tried to understand her chaos and all its glory, my energy swirled in a hurricane around my centered heart & I became a bystander of something I refused to see. It was a game I didn’t yet realize I was losing. So for years, I continued to chase those gentle, washed out memories. Memories that once held the bright tones of an Oklahoma sunset, dazzling the clouds who sailed amongst her, quietly accentuating her grace. But time carried the sword that eventually killed our fiery glow. I saw the black field as it opened up to me and I screamed and cried out in agony as I felt true torture.
My love is strong, tethered from bonds of perpetual pain and joy and everything in between. But what happens when it breaks like glass, and it slips like sand through the tiny spaces we sometimes find in thick edges of the real?
Hot, hard water washed over me and the strength I’ve gained will help me to release the insanity I’ve been carrying as a trophy of us. I realize now, it’s been over for a long time, but my heart would not let go, and my mind was a good liar. I allowed the hurt to escalate and move into hate without ever taking credit as I watched from another universe.
Change is constant. There is no peace in control. The colors of the sunrise find my smile and my open arms as I stand present with no limitations, and as I carry a piece of our jointed hearts, no longer as a burden. Just pure love.
And I’ve learned. In this life, pure love is validated when we feel no love in return, and we continue to endure the lack thereof, because if we stop loving, we will cease to breathe life into all the darkness that wishes to consume us, and we cannot know love without first understanding its enemy. But we can and we must let love win. Every single time. And while we may feel pure love around us that does not know hate, and we may experience it in rare moments of blinding light and glorious rainbows, we only glimpse what pure love is capable of, and when that happens, we find meaning in this life.