Death seems like it would be a mystery to birth. But birth may understand death… and death may know birth even if the complete soul is brand new at the time of birth… the feeling of coming, leaving, returning, may be related. Perhaps this life is the link between worlds. Perhaps the only ones who do understand the mystery are the ones who choose to take their own life. Do they really do it because they are suffering and there is no choice but to end it? Or are some of them called to do it by an angel because their time on earth is simply over? Maybe they must serve a new purpose and they are aware of this rather than exiting due to old age or illness. Maybe they aren’t aware and the answer becomes clear only after it’s over. Maybe not. It has been haunting me for some time now. I have been fighting myself to understand, because if it hurts me so much, I only wonder how people feel who are affected by it first hand.
I keep thinking about Allen Ginsberg’s first line in Howl… “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness” …and I can’t help but think of all the people I know. I feel like I’m constantly with this crowd he speaks of in Part 1. I am one of them. There is no food to my thought, yet I am in a state of constant wonderment, contemplation, asking myself why am I here. And I think of all the people around me that I know, and I just can’t help but feel lost.
After a friend of mine committed suicide, my whole world changed. When I say “friend”, I mean someone who touched my life in many ways and who I always considered a friend even if we hadn’t spoken in a couple years. I did think about her. No one understood our friendship because of the circumstances we became friends under. I didn’t know her. I hurt her. She forgave me and gave me a chance and we connected and clicked. She was a very special person as you can see.
I thought I understood death because my grandfather passed away from horrible cancer spread throughout his entire brain and body. When I say “understood” I don’t mean literally. Because trust me I still have thoughts such as why did he have to die NOW? Where was he going? Why did it have to be his time, he was too young. I still see my dad looking up to the sky as he slipped away, tears down his face, saying “Bye, Dad” with arms stretched out. I thought that was the worst of it and I had been there to witness. But I was wrong. I will never understand death until I myself experience it. And because I don’t understand death, I have found that I do not understand life. I’ve given advice before to live in the moment, follow your dreams, help others, love. That is the meaning. But WHY is that the meaning? Why do we reproduce and give life to more creatures to experience all this love… this pain… this world that we struggle so hard to keep spinning. What is the point? And why do some people not hold any reverence for human life? Why do people kill? Or rather, HOW can they?
So I started researching the ever so sought after answer to the question “what is the meaning of life?” and I found so many answers by famous philosophers. But the answer that stuck out to me most was that the minute we start pondering the mystery, asking why this, why that, we lose all meaning instantly. It disappears with the cold breeze and we stop living. We can never understand it. We must just simply live because we can, we must, we are here, we may or may not have chosen to be here, but regardless, here we are, connecting with people – at least I hope. I don’t think having a sense of direction is important, but I do think that helping others live and have a quality of life is important. I do think improvement of the self is important. I believe doing things for the greater good is important. I believe in soul mates because I believe in souls. But I have just come to terms with the fact there are things I will never understand, such as being in anyone else’s shoes but my own. I am here. I don’t know why. The weight of the world is fierce and THAT is why we must all help each other carry the load. So that it’s not all for nothing, that it’s not too much to bear. We can be free from fear and live in peace. Yes, we are that powerful.
I am happy that I married someone who I can ask these questions to and he understands why I’m asking them, and we can discuss. I am happy because he has already asked them so many times over that his answers and explanations make sense to me and ease my mind. Even if he doesn’t have the answer, I am comforted by his responses. I am happy that I can cry to him and speak about all my thoughts and sadness and he can hold me in his arms, and I know that even if I don’t understand the meaning of life completely, I have him. I view my life as a success because of him. I think I’ll stop there. I hope everyone finds something or someone that makes them care and love and feel true meaning.