my nails. i look down at them. i can’t keep them past the guardian lines that separate beauty from nervous cracks. embarrassed, i fidget, rip and chew, push the cuticles back into their beds. i berate myself because i want to stop but i can’t. and then, the songs never leave my head, even at night they keep me awake. i manage a thought. or rather, a thought manages itself. it drifts on by and i can see it like a music scroll and i wonder, is my mind made of mush? that’s all my mind can make time for now; the songs always fight their way back. daydreaming isn’t a thing to me now, and i think it use to define me. a shame, really. i must try it again, and soon. i try again to let a thought whisper though. the sun rises and sets again and again. i am here, same place, same frame of mind, same day. looking down at my hands i wonder how i am able to carry so much at one time? evolution, i say. we figured it out. we always do.
it’s a wonder how something can seem so right, and then.. not be right. how can we not choose love above everything else? why is that even a thing that we are capable of? let us all say this together now, are you ready? love is the only thing in this life worth fighting for. great, now comes the hard part. the fighting. is that selfish, i wonder? why is love worth saving? it’s always just been a truth that i’ve held above all other truths, but why is love always my answer? it feels so good when you are loved and you love someone else. it feels like there is purpose for us all and that just maybe the stars have aligned in your favor. it feels twisted and mangled but perfectly clear and sometimes you can’t quit laughing. there is always a way to tell how long someone has been living… fighting. you look at their hands. and my mom always told me never marry a man with soft hands. she said it means they don’t work hard. and it’s funny, i love my man’s hands almost as much as his eyes. you look in someone’s eyes and you can tell a whole lot more. you may see how much they have loved and lost. there’s a universe inside there and that’s the key to all our soul’s connectivity. it’s a portal, and i think we can actually become one being if we stare hard enough. well, i don’t think, i actually know this is possible because i have experienced it many times. sometimes in rare cases, you can share a consciousness with someone where all thoughts, if you can call them that at that point, are shared, understood… just happening and you’re both experiencing the same exact moment. it’s cool. almost life changing in a sense, just to be simultaneously aware that it is actually happening is something spectacular. we are so small. our bodies are tiny. but there is that notion that we are apart of something much bigger, and that’s what we feel when we feel love. that is why it’s worth fighting for. easier said than done. but i hope everyone gets the chance to. i’m glad i wrote this out because i decided to just start writing about my “hands” because i was staring at them thinking of what seemed to be nothing. but then, there it was.