Song of My Life – a poem by me


 Cosmic patterns and things, 15x22in. First Lithograph
Song of My Life
Dreary winds of subtle change
my mind is losing
in this battle of robots
pretty make-up
business casual
Daddy gets too involved
he knew I would be great
quiet shell shy path
I chose love instead
Am I hedonist
do I breathe the self
and while I’m breathing
do I even help others
darker still room moments
lead to inward thoughts
nature still loses
behind these
wet blue mirrors
you say my eyes
are golden child
While I paint infection
across fire kissed fields
I bare witness
to my thumb
all flowering growth
lyrical madness
beats my mind into a puzzle
still that song
that same fucking song,
you wish you never heard me.
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Safe – when you’re with him you feel safe. He gives the best hugs and his embrace is warm. You feel like everything is going to be okay and you just know someone loves you so much. During tornadoes he was always calling, thinking about others. He even called me when I was at a music festival last year in Arkansas because he saw a tornado was headed my way.

He’s a protector. No one’s gonna mess with you when he’s around, not if he has anything to say about it. He will make sure by gosh that the right thing is done by his family. But you better watch out – he’ll get ya! He’ll scob your nog or skeech your head or snort and honk at you when you least expect it. He’s playful. A prankster in nature. He has stories upon stories that will make you laugh your guts out and you wish you could have been there; you wish you could have seen the time he accidentally crushed Jody Madden’s hand. He is such a good storyteller. The best was when we were kids and we would all wrestle. My dad would hold him down while we tickled his ear or nose with a feather or the tip of my hair. My dad would make us pull out his leg or arm hair.

I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing lately. There are certain things that will always remind me of Papa: The Duke, Route 66, OU football, American flags, Turquoise, flannel, firemen, Easter baskets, antiques and pottery, red velvet cake, and a huge wallet. I’ll especially remember his love of cars and his model car collection or going to visit him at Reynolds Ford where he worked for 25 years. I’ll never forget when he and my parents surprised me with a new car at his dealership. Papa showed me every single operative thing on that car – what every button and lever was for. He test drove it with me for the first time. That’s a good memory.

He’s a Giver. I’ll remember the gold dollars he always gave the grandkids, or the 20-dollar bill he slipped me here and there “just because”. I know he did this with my parents as well when they were young. He didn’t have much but I guess he thought we needed it more than he did. One time, I went to the bank to deposit some gold dollars because I literally had about 200. The bank teller said, “Aww, your grandfather gave you these. You really want to deposit them?” It definitely caught me off guard. But when I think about it now, it makes my heart smile. He left his mark on everyone he interacted with. If you crossed paths with him, you couldn’t help but just know he was a special kind of person and that being in his presence was a gift. I’ll treasure the last 5 gold dollars he gave me. I’ll also treasure the two rings he gave me when I was little that belonged to Me-Maw – his mother. But most of all, I’ll cherish his love.

I’ll remember every Christmas – Papa passing out the gifts in his Santa Clause hat with the perfect, jolly tones of “HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!” I’ll remember the Mickey Mouse snow globes he gave us and how he would wake up super early and go to Dillard’s to make sure he got them. I’ll remember the look on his face when he opened any gift from his family – he was like a little kid again. Papa was all about finding joy in the little things.

I’ll remember when I was 16 and got my first job in the shoe department at Sears. He always came to see me and bought so many shoes from me.

He is so full of love. I’ll remember him walking through our front door when Jorden and I were little tikes. We would run and jump in his arms yelling, “PAPA!” every time he came to visit. I’ll remember him honking at me every time saw me driving around Norman… I would look around and be like, “Why is someone honking at me??!” and then I would see his car with the little American flag on the antennae. The last time it happened was a few months ago, and I’ll never forget that either.

I’ll remember his precious blue eyes, beautiful Native skin, gold teeth, happy belly, soft hair, strong grip, humongous hands, ears and nose, Reynolds Ford shirts, tinted glasses, Indiana Jones hat, and the faint smell of cigarettes, leather and after shave mixed with his own wonderful scent. Most of all, I’ll remember his SMILE.

Strength. Lynn Moxley is the definition of strength in all sense of the word. He might be the only person to not lose his hair after going through full chemo and radiation treatments. And sometimes I look at him now, and I think that he knows he is everyone’s rock and to lose him would be too hard for us, so he remains strong. He remains here because he knows we need him to and because he loves us all so much. After all these years of taking care of others, supporting them and loving them, it makes me so happy that he has us all here to take care of him now. To make him comfortable and to pray for him. To love him. Because he deserves it more than anything.

My Papa might not have been perfect, but perfect is how I’m going to remember him. He is one of my most favorite people on this earth, and he truly means the world to me. He taught me so much by his example. He is and always will be a true hero. He will live on in our hearts forever. His legacy will be that of love and joy and comfort.


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Make a Decision

ImageWe all choose how we are going to live our lives. What works for some people, may not work for others. But no matter what we do in life, or how we do it, we must always remember that we are in control of our decisions. There is no excuse for not trying something we’ve always wanted to try. Floating along in life without cause or reason, waiting for things to happen, is a sure way to become depressed, complacent, jealous, or just generally unhappy.

It’s important that we always make a decision with what we’re going to do – what we’re going to believe. Happiness comes from making the decision – and even if it doesn’t turn out how we expected, it’s proven that we won’t be upset. On the contrary – we will actually be happier that we made the decision than if we did nothing. We will be happy because we tried something new, that we put our thoughts into action, that we learned, that we guided our lives in the direction of our own vision. And we grow in the process and let go of fear a little each time. So many doors open, so many possibilities.

We are all so unique in this world and full of color and it’s really a beautiful thing. Our decisions are our own. We make them based on many factors that are rare and specific to us, sometimes based on things going on in our lives that even people very close to us can’t know or understand. It’s the same with anything in life that we choose to do, or believe. We can’t say that our mind is better than someone else’s. Our experiences are unique, as well as our journeys.

I’ve learned… you will feel so much better if you can learn to not pass judgment on someone else or their decisions. Sometimes when we are trying very hard to not pass judgment and be free in our ways of thinking, we end up judging others who don’t see the world like we do. But how can we share in consciousness if we are so quick to assume? Rather than being open-minded, we actually become very close-minded to the feelings or thoughts of others. What a boring world it would be if we were all the same. We should support our loved ones in their endeavors and their feelings. Be happy for them and the decisions they make. Be receptive of their feelings. We are all different, but we must remember that our truths are what we cling to. If we could be accepting and understanding of our loved ones, think of the possibilities that could occur with complete strangers.

Individuality is cause for joy and celebration. When our paths cross with someone on an entirely different journey, we should celebrate in one another. Be there when our friends need us and continue to make decisions that benefit our lifestyle, heart, and soul so that we can benefit others in the natural process. If we are happy, that is positive energy that will ripple into the world. If we are happy, we will find ways to share, help, and inspire.

So, what’s holding you back? Put your dreams into action and make a decision to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t be afraid. Life is too short. The payoff will be worth it.

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Love and Light

With her bare feet, and my heart as the stomping grounds, the moments that meant so much to me slowly but surely beat into a black heart. And even deeper yet, to an untouchable meadow that I’ve seen before, but is unfamiliar to me now. As I tried to understand her chaos and all its glory, my energy swirled in a hurricane around my centered heart & I became a bystander  of something I refused to see. It was a game I didn’t yet realize I was losing. So for years, I continued to chase those gentle, washed out memories. Memories that once held the bright tones of an Oklahoma sunset, dazzling the clouds who sailed amongst her, quietly accentuating her grace. But time carried the sword that eventually killed our fiery glow. I saw the black field as it opened up to me and I screamed and cried out in agony as I felt true torture.

My love is strong, tethered from bonds of perpetual pain and joy and everything in between. But what happens when it breaks like glass, and it slips like sand through the tiny spaces we sometimes find in thick edges of the real?

Hot, hard water washed over me and the strength I’ve gained will help me to release the insanity I’ve been carrying as a trophy of us. I realize now, it’s been over for a long time, but my heart would not let go, and my mind was a good liar. I allowed the hurt to escalate and move into hate without ever taking credit as I watched from another universe.

Change is constant. There is no peace in control. The colors of the sunrise find my smile and my open arms as I stand present with no limitations, and as I carry a piece of our jointed hearts, no longer as a burden. Just pure love.

And I’ve learned. In this life, pure love is validated when we feel no love in return, and we continue to endure the lack thereof, because if we stop loving, we will cease to breathe life into all the darkness that wishes to consume us, and we cannot know love without first understanding its enemy. But we can and we must let love win. Every single time. And while we may feel pure love around us that does not know hate, and we may experience it in rare moments of blinding light and glorious rainbows, we only glimpse what pure love is capable of, and when that happens, we find meaning in this life.

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Recently, my Nana had a talk with me about writing down my passions and focusing on combining certain passions to figure out what I want to do with this great gift of life. She just turned 68 and she is doing the same exact thing. This list is what makes me, me. And yes, I ponder the idea of “me” all the time, and I’ve realized that “I” am a part of something so much grander than this mind/body. I have the need to find a purpose in order to hopefully make this world a better place.  I am searching. But I don’t want to spend my whole life searching. I want to spend my life being and doing. It can be difficult when I’m stuck behind a desk for 7-8 hours a day, speaking to absolutely no one except through emails and the boring/occasional “how are you?” – “good” to people walking by my desk. I work for my mom, so we do have conversations sometimes, which I like, but there are days where I literally go without really speaking to anyone in person, until I see Gareth after work. I like my alone time, especially when I have a lot of work to get done, but it can get depressing.

I try to stay connected with the outside world through Facebook and Instagram – both false senses of reality – and no, this is not “allowed” at work. Recently, my best friends and I started this group private message where we all communicate with each other at random times, and it is quite hilarious! I don’t feel that false reality, I feel love for the people who I call sisters. And we laugh, constantly, because naturally we are like the funniest people on earth.

Having an office job can also force me into such deep states of daydreaming. I get caught up in the future (and sometimes the past) and it makes it hard for me to just live in the present moment. Setting goals are good – but it’s the little goals along the way that make the journey and living in the present possible. For instance, I want to be an amazing hula hooper. But that ain’t gonna happen unless I practice every day. I want to focus on being present, aware, and open. So, anyways here are my passions:

  1. Music – I love music that evokes some kind of emotion in me and/or that I feel connected to. Music is so important. Where would we be without it?
  2. Hooping – I’m on 2nd week / journey of hooping. Not going to quit this time… not happening! I love it! It brings me joy.
  3. Yoga/Meditation – and I’ll also say challenging my mind and body.
  4. Writing poetry, and also reading poetry
  5. Traveling – I would like to see and explore this country and the rest of the world!
  6. Cooking – used to hate it, now I love it.
  7. Expressing myself creatively – encompassing : dancing, fashion, writing, cooking, art and…
  8. I want to learn how to make my own jewelry.
  9. Helping others – in whatever way I can!
  10. Reading/Learning
  11. Gardening
  12. Love – obviously love. (Obviously Gareth. Love conquers all.)
  13. Family
  14. Friends : where would we be without friends – the family we choose
  15.  Having FUN.
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New Year

I always love to look back on the year and see all the awesome things that occurred in our lives. It’s important to cherish the good memories, and learn from mistakes. There is no sense in holding on to the past, only the present moment exists, but life is so short. It’s crazy to think about our time here on earth. Death. Acceptance of each other. And what it’s all for? Love. I know that life holds meaning and being here as people is amazing. I always try to stop and smell the roses when it comes to people I love and hold dear. It’s important celebrate the love we have in this life.

2013 was another amazing year for Gareth and me. It was filled with shows, weddings, a trip to Wales and England, Wakarusa, a wonderful 3 day String Cheese Incident for the 4th of July in Austin with the loveliest people, Interlocken music fest where we saw Furthur, and then Harvest music fest which we fell in love with, OU/Texas where we lost but still had a great time, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas. We spent time with our friends and grew closer as a couple. We also began to realize how much we enjoy time with our families and they are our best friends as well! Family has become a center theme in our lives. It’s important to have lunch, phone calls, trips, etc with our families. They mean so much to us, especially as we are getting older and maturing.

We also celebrated our first year of marriage… It went by so quickly! I think Gareth and I are really learning how to function as a team. We truly are the bestest of friends. We love playing together – it’s like our favorite thing. You could say we have our own language when we’re home together. We still learn something new about our relationship every day- communication, forgiveness, compromise, etc. It’s amazing journey and we wouldn’t want to experience this life with anyone else!

We are both looking forward to this next year so much. We have set goals and are already planning out our vacations. Last year we saved up for a new TV and receiver, and this year we are going to focus more on our house- furniture, decorating and such. Hello, 2014! 🙂

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For the past two months, I have been extremely happy. I made some important changes in my life, and my depression has disappeared. There really just came a point where I had to take a stand against myself and those temptations that were beginning to take over and define me, and it wasn’t even that difficult. I may find myself struggling, but just like quitting anything that’s bad for you, you have to either replace it with something good, or don’t put yourself in situations that will tempt you. I have been more focused on love and on my marriage and my relationship with Gareth. When you focus on love, and you choose love, and remember only good times rather than bad, you can be happy. I love falling in love with Gareth all over again. Recognizing his strengths, making goals together, and finding joy in the fact that we will always have each other, and that we chose each other to spend this amazing life with. It gives me so much comfort and peace. It centers me and my existence. We have also been so focused on our families lately, and we are realizing that family is the most important thing… life is too short… and we want to grow and tend to those relationships. Our friends are a different kind of family, and we love our friends so much. The connections we have made have been such a blessing. There are still so many things I want to do for myself, but centering myself and focusing on love and family has made all that seem easy and like I don’t need to do anything except love in order to be happy. All the other stuff I want to do can just flow in my life now. I am writing this post in case I ever forget and get trapped within myself again. I am a dreamer, and I do get stuck in my head way too often. I am inspired, and then I get depressed because I am not doing all I should be.. it’s the idealist in me. I can conquer it though. I will and I am.

Christmas is all about sharing love. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and that we keep this spirit all year long. God bless.

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