Exploring my self.

The below paragraphs are something I started writing on 3/26/14. I’ve added things here and there – and finally deciding to post it.

In so many ways, I feel like I’m 2 people, but I’m not. I am one person, wanting/needing/desiring/craving 2 different things at the same time. Often my mind feels so unclear, muddled – questioning and answering and overwhelming myself with all the possibilities. I wonder if it’s my hormones/my cycle to blame. I wonder if I am normal?

I don’t know if I believe it’s healthy to always self-evaluate, to get so wrapped up in self-improvement. But here I am – evaluating. I do love myself, I even like myself, sometimes I believe I am the only one who understands myself. (There’s always the distant reminder though that the self does not exist, that we don’t actually matter, that the life I live isn’t really happening or it’s all happening at once but in different ways every time, that we place too much value on the clock, that time is running out and we forget to live, that all that matters is losing the self.) And being a person that lives mostly in my head, I don’t know how productive it is, if at all. What seems to happen is I have all these thoughts, I act differently than what I’m thinking, and then this dialogue develops and it’s frustrating when I can’t just say what I mean/what I want without fear of sounding negative, or jealous, or bitchy, or stupid, or dumb, or mainly: fear of disappearing and not being valued or even heard at all.

When the extreme positive mood strikes me and I’m feeling happy to just be alive, if someone happens to deter my path, operate on a different wavelength, especially if it’s someone I am close to, I get annoyed. Probably because it’s something I worked so hard on becoming, on doing, and it’s hard for me stay on my own path without getting distracted. It’s hard for me to feel that I just coexist. And the more I try to find the path that will lead me to my ultimate happy self, and it works for awhile, something happens, I get knocked off kilter and I see myself treading further away from such a path, almost to the point of not believing it exists. I love to laugh. That deep laugh that makes you feel so free – it’s something I long for every day. But then sometimes it’s like there’s this thing inside me that prevents real/true/divine laughter, as if in that moment, I’m afraid of letting myself go, of letting myself experience true, pure joy. There are other times, though, when I have no choice in the matter. Joy just overcomes me and laughter (and usually tears as well) pour out of me – those are the moments we live for, right?!

I have found ways in which to help myself have shared experiences, bonds, joy and love. I have found people that do listen to me and care about me in a way that was lost from me for years. I absolutely love and cherish my tribe of people – my family and close friends. They are the ones who understand me and my emotional shifts. In that regard I do feel very thankful. I have molded my own ideas and am no longer afraid to live my life in a way that just makes sense in my mind. I have always had the sense that love is sacred, that we know love because we are loved first by God, but that our love is not perfect and can often come at a price because we are only human. I have held to the principle that we are all unique and different and beautiful and there is not one thing that makes one of us better than the other. We are all in this together, trying to figure it out. Pure love is what we have been given. It feels so amazing that it’s almost too much at times. Hate is what happens when people believe love must pay a price, when we allow the mind to surrender to anger and then begin to destruct because love is no longer the answer. There is NOTHING that holds all truth except NOTHING. The sweet-smelling meadows, the cool summer rain, the enchanted evergreen forest – yes, it would all exist whether or not you’re there to smell, see, touch, be in, experience it in any way.

As for my mind, me right now, I am happy. I can always be better, and I will continue to try. Life is a puzzle, I’m where I’m supposed to be, and while there are many pieces still to be found, the connecting ones I have found make life so sweet.

Wakarusa 2015

7 years ago, I attended my first Wakarusa. I’ve been back every year except one when we attended a good friend’s wedding instead. Each year we go, Mulberry Mountain becomes a little more like a home away from home. Returning to the mountain, you can feel the magic in the air and all the anticipation floating around as everyone awaits to find out what’s in store for them – what adventures lie ahead – what the music will have to offer – what memories will be made.

We arrived around 1 am to wait in line. Gareth and I started setting up camp around 3:45 on Thursday morning. In our tent, I closed my eyes as the sun was rising while most people around us had already started the party. The party literally never stops at Wakarusa.

Festivals are so special to me for many reasons, the obvious one being – you form a connection unlike any other with the friends you spend it with at shows or messing around at the campsite. As for me and Gareth – we have a chance to focus on one another and our love is so BIG, profound, and straightforward. Life can get in the way of that sometimes, and while we are very good about keeping our love alive and living for love, at a festival, it’s just the love that matters. You’re in a field with minimum essentials that you need to be comfortable, surrounded by thousands of people doing the same, dancing, laughing, being silly, being emotional, loud and kind and open. It’s a beautiful thing. In those moments, it feels like life is a gigantic, yummy orange and you’re sucking it dry and loading up on all the nutrients and juice it has to offer. It’s a shared experience, which makes it that much more revitalizing.

Loved being around all our friends – you guys know who you are!! We all had so much fun together and I love how everyone came to visit and party at our campsite every day. 🙂 I’ve never laughed so hard as I did this past weekend. I love all of you so much and really couldn’t ask for a better crew or group of friends to spend the festival with. I don’t think there is a better group, seriously we have the best! So many memories I will cherish forever both at the campsite and at the shows! I love that I made some new friends too 🙂

Okay – so the music. Such wonderful music. Magic Beans and Dopapod the first day really set the tone for Gareth and me. It was awesome having that time to ourselves to really connect, dance and experience a new band together. We listened to Slightly Stoopid from our campsite. Umphrey’s was an intense headbanger that night, which of course we loved. We ended with Twiddle, which was very different and awesome. Second day – STS9 and Umphs were the beez kneez – the LED hoop came out and we danced for 4 hours straight. Third day – such a diverse day of music!! I started off the day by shopping at an awesome store called Sparklicious with my new friend Izabella. Then Megan, Courtney and I headed over to the hoop workshops and practiced with the St. Louis Hoop Club, then choreographed a hoop dance with Lee Jeffries. First band of the day was Rising Appalachia 🙂 That was my first show to really hoop at (ever) it was so moving, enchanting, and really spoke to the soul. Same day following that, we saw Galactic (amazing), The Roots (probably favorite / best show all weekend), STS9, and Glass Animals (LOVE). The funniest dance party I’ve ever seen or been a part of was at STS9 in the Revival Tent. Everyone was seriously going crazy. Minkus and Knud were doing Tybo, Gareth may have lost his pants for a song or two…  I can’t really describe it. I don’t think I stopped smiling. Tribe killed it. Then we marched over to the Ferris wheel (our first time to ever ride it) and yeah… that was amazing. Major Lazer was playing.. it was so neat to see the whole festival and glow toys from up high. The night still seemed young so we decided to try out the Satellite stage for some Lindsay Lowend lol. The Satellite was on point this year with the huge lanterns in the trees and the trippy circus/trapeze artists in the trees above you. Gareth me and Tay stayed the whole time. There was an incident where a giant panda bear tried to take Gareth’s light saber off into the crowd, but we got it back! Interesting night, but we had so much fun. And we did get to watch another Waka sunrise. Sunday funday was also amazing – we saw Nahko and Medicine for the People, Particle, Portugal. The Man, Lotus, and Thievery Corporation!! Also had the best time hooping at Lotus and Thievery!

The entire weekend was filled with so much love and inside jokes and connecting moments that will live on in our minds and hearts forever. Cheers to a wonderful Wakarusa!

Hands

my nails. i look down at them. i can’t keep them past the guardian lines that separate beauty from nervous cracks. embarrassed, i fidget, rip and chew, push the cuticles back into their beds. i berate myself because i want to stop but i can’t. and then, the songs never leave my head, even at night they keep me awake. i manage a thought. or rather, a thought manages itself. it drifts on by and i can see it like a music scroll and i wonder, is my mind made of mush? that’s all my mind can make time for now; the songs always fight their way back. daydreaming isn’t a thing to me now, and i think it use to define me. a shame, really. i must try it again, and soon. i try again to let a thought whisper though. the sun rises and sets again and again. i am here, same place, same frame of mind, same day. looking down at my hands i wonder how i am able to carry so much at one time? evolution, i say. we figured it out. we always do.

it’s a wonder how something can seem so right, and then.. not be right. how can we not choose love above everything else? why is that even a thing that we are capable of? let us all say this together now, are you ready? love is the only thing in this life worth fighting for. great, now comes the hard part. the fighting. is that selfish, i wonder? why is love worth saving? it’s always just been a truth that i’ve held above all other truths, but why is love always my answer? it feels so good when you are loved and you love someone else. it feels like there is purpose for us all and that just maybe the stars have aligned in your favor. it feels twisted and mangled but perfectly clear and sometimes you can’t quit laughing. there is always a way to tell how long someone has been living… fighting. you look at their hands. and my mom always told me never marry a man with soft hands. she said it means they don’t work hard. and it’s funny, i love my man’s hands almost as much as his eyes. you look in someone’s eyes and you can tell a whole lot more. you may see how much they have loved and lost. there’s a universe inside there and that’s the key to all our soul’s connectivity. it’s a portal, and i think we can actually become one being if we stare hard enough. well, i don’t think, i actually know this is possible because i have experienced it many times. sometimes in rare cases, you can share a consciousness with someone where all thoughts, if you can call them that at that point, are shared, understood… just happening and you’re both experiencing the same exact moment. it’s cool. almost life changing in a sense, just to be simultaneously aware that it is actually happening is something spectacular. we are so small. our bodies are tiny. but there is that notion that we are apart of something much bigger, and that’s what we feel when we feel love. that is why it’s worth fighting for. easier said than done. but i hope everyone gets the chance to. i’m glad i wrote this out because i decided to just start writing about my “hands” because i was staring at them thinking of what seemed to be nothing. but then, there it was.

life&death meanings…

I have nothing insightful to say. That’s usually the first thing that comes to my mind when I sit down to write. I put it off for so long and well, I’m going to let it go now.

Death seems like it would be a mystery to birth. But birth may understand death… and death may know birth even if the complete soul is brand new at the time of birth… the feeling of coming, leaving, returning, may be related. Perhaps this life is the link between worlds. Perhaps the only ones who do understand the mystery are the ones who choose to take their own life. Do they really do it because they are suffering and there is no choice but to end it? Or are some of them called to do it by an angel because their time on earth is simply over? Maybe they must serve a new purpose and they are aware of this rather than exiting due to old age or illness. Maybe they aren’t aware and the answer becomes clear only after it’s over. Maybe not. It has been haunting me for some time now. I have been fighting myself to understand, because if it hurts me so much, I only wonder how people feel who are affected by it first hand.

I keep thinking about Allen Ginsberg’s first line in Howl… “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness” …and I can’t help but think of all the people I know. I feel like I’m constantly with this crowd he speaks of in Part 1. I am one of them. There is no food to my thought, yet I am in a state of constant wonderment, contemplation, asking myself why am I here. And I think of all the people around me that I know, and I just can’t help but feel lost.

After a friend of mine committed suicide, my whole world changed. When I say “friend”, I mean someone who touched my life in many ways and who I always considered a friend even if we hadn’t spoken in a couple years. I did think about her. No one understood our friendship because of the circumstances we became friends under. I didn’t know her. I hurt her. She forgave me and gave me a chance and we connected and clicked. She was a very special person as you can see.

I thought I understood death because my grandfather passed away from horrible cancer spread throughout his entire brain and body. When I say “understood” I don’t mean literally. Because trust me I still have thoughts such as why did he have to die NOW? Where was he going? Why did it have to be his time, he was too young. I still see my dad looking up to the sky as he slipped away, tears down his face, saying “Bye, Dad” with arms stretched out. I thought that was the worst of it and I had been there to witness. But I was wrong. I will never understand death until I myself experience it. And because I don’t understand death, I have found that I do not understand life. I’ve given advice before to live in the moment, follow your dreams, help others, love. That is the meaning. But WHY is that the meaning? Why do we reproduce and give life to more creatures to experience all this love… this pain… this world that we struggle so hard to keep spinning. What is the point? And why do some people not hold any reverence for human life? Why do people kill? Or rather, HOW can they?

So I started researching the ever so sought after answer to the question “what is the meaning of life?” and I found so many answers by famous philosophers. But the answer that stuck out to me most was that the minute we start pondering the mystery, asking why this, why that, we lose all meaning instantly. It disappears with the cold breeze and we stop living. We can never understand it. We must just simply live because we can, we must, we are here, we may or may not have chosen to be here, but regardless, here we are, connecting with people – at least I hope. I don’t think having a sense of direction is important, but I do think that helping others live and have a quality of life is important. I do think improvement of the self is important. I believe doing things for the greater good is important. I believe in soul mates because I believe in souls. But I have just come to terms with the fact there are things I will never understand, such as being in anyone else’s shoes but my own. I am here. I don’t know why. The weight of the world is fierce and THAT is why we must all help each other carry the load. So that it’s not all for nothing, that it’s not too much to bear. We can be free from fear and live in peace. Yes, we are that powerful.

I am happy that I married someone who I can ask these questions to and he understands why I’m asking them, and we can discuss. I am happy because he has already asked them so many times over that his answers and explanations make sense to me and ease my mind. Even if he doesn’t have the answer, I am comforted by his responses. I am happy that I can cry to him and speak about all my thoughts and sadness and he can hold me in his arms, and I know that even if I don’t understand the meaning of life completely, I have him. I view my life as a success because of him. I think I’ll stop there. I hope everyone finds something or someone that makes them care and love and feel true meaning.
Love, Morgen

Goodbyes and Hellos

Last week was bittersweet. I had to say “goodbye” again to one of my best friends. We all got used to her being back in Norman, but as the summer ends, and school begins, we had to tell her goodbye. She became the glue that brought and kept us together while she was here. You can’t help but love her – all she stands for – all her dreams – and how she makes them come true. She is inspiring to me because she simply does what she wants to do – she helps people in the process – she finds joy and makes friends – she is beautiful inside and out. Sure, I’ll see Mole {our nickname for her} a few more times this year and hopefully next year, but her journey is something I’ll mostly have to admire from a distance.

It’s amazing to me how you can go through ups and downs with a person, good times and bad fade into memories, and you realize it’s done nothing but bring you closer. It creates a bond that even when you’ve disagreed or unintentionally hurt one another, becomes stronger with time, maturity, acceptance, forgiveness and detachment. Lifelong friends are a choice. I don’t necessarily view my relationship with my best friends as attachment anymore. There was a time when I was attached to them.. attached to all past, present and future experiences with them. I had never experienced friendship with women that was so deep, profound, beautiful and unique. But recently, in the past year, I’ve learned that attachment can lead me to some dark places. Places I don’t want to go such as jealousy, sadness, entitlement, the need to be right, and worst of all, judgement. I will always love my friends – want to hang out with them, enjoy their company and our time together, cherish all the laughs and be there for them when they need me, and I know they’ll do the same. We all just “get” one another and can be ourselves 100%. But detachment – the sense of just letting go – has taught me how to be free and happy. It has made such a difference in my life and allows me to not be upset/let down/worried/etc.

[Detachment, also expressed as non-attachment, is a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective. Attachment, that is the inability to practice or embrace detachment, is viewed as the main obstacle towards a serene and fulfilled life. Many other spiritual traditions identify the lack of detachment with the continuous worries and restlessness produced by desire and personal ambitions.]

 

Switching gears, Gareth also left for about 9 days for his trip to Colorado where he, his father and his brother ride dirt bikes all day and camp in their RV. He came back Saturday afternoon, and was filled with a certain happiness I haven’t seen in him for a long time. He was still on that Colorado high and had done some serious bonding with his family. I felt so affected by it and attracted to him at the same time. Our connection with each other is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. Life with Gareth is just better, and I know we are meant to be in it, together, til the end. I enjoyed my nights at home, watching old classic movies, and I wasn’t as lonely as I thought I’d be, but having him home makes me realize how much I missed him.

It does provide me with comfort and the amazing feeling that no matter who I say goodbye or hello to in this lifetime, Gareth will always be with me.

summer nights – a poem

Groove summer nights

firefly twirl of circle of life

home smoke painted sky

iridescent childlike

moon reflects your golden eyes

and it hovers low to the ground

a spaceship to transcend

us past this

and through this

and behind this door

we giggle through stillness

watch plants breathe slowly

the colors of a different world

the life we chase

now and forever

while shadows train us

behind stale secrets

and loving you here is easy.

Attached to Bed Moments

Lately, I’ve been so attached to my bed. It’s getting bad. Our bed is super comfy and the wonderful way the cold pillow touches my face puts me to sleep almost instantly – doesn’t matter the time of day. I’m late for everything because of my bed. It reminds me of when I first got my own apartment in college, and I would rarely leave my bedroom, let alone my bed. It’s where I ate, studied, wrote, watched TV, looked out the window, felt safe. I would fall asleep studying, wake up and study some more, go back to sleep, and so on. I love my quiet, alone time so much. Especially when it’s raining outside and the trees and grass get so vibrantly green. It’s the most cozy and fulfilling quiet moments that belong solely to me and my mind. Sometimes I feel like I could sleep for a week straight if I was allowed to. And then, just maybe, I wouldn’t be so attached to my bed, my sleep, my dreams, my refuge. Ahh, all this talk about my bed is making me want it so bad. But instead, I will force myself to go home, meditate with my hoop and spin it around, eat some dinner, buy some work clothes, and then finally… hit the sack.

Song of My Life – a poem by me

 

Song of My Life

 

Dreary winds of subtle change

my mind is losing

in this battle of robots

machines

pretty make-up

business casual

 

Daddy gets too involved

he knew I would be great

quiet shell shy path

I chose love instead

 

Am I hedonist

do I breathe the self

and while I’m breathing

life

do I even help others

survive

darker still room moments

lead to inward thoughts

nature still loses

behind these

wet blue mirrors

 

you say my eyes

are golden child

 

While I paint infection

across fire kissed fields

I bare witness

to my thumb

killing

stopping

all flowering growth

 

lyrical madness

beats my mind into a puzzle

still that song

that same fucking song,

you wish you never heard me.

 

Papa

Safe – when you’re with him you feel safe. He gives the best hugs and his embrace is warm. You feel like everything is going to be okay and you just know someone loves you so much. During tornadoes he was always calling, thinking about others. He even called me when I was at a music festival last year in Arkansas because he saw a tornado was headed my way.

He’s a protector. No one’s gonna mess with you when he’s around, not if he has anything to say about it. He will make sure by gosh that the right thing is done by his family. But you better watch out – he’ll get ya! He’ll scob your nog or skeech your head or snort and honk at you when you least expect it. He’s playful. A prankster in nature. He has stories upon stories that will make you laugh your guts out and you wish you could have been there; you wish you could have seen the time he accidentally crushed Jody Madden’s hand. He is such a good storyteller. The best was when we were kids and we would all wrestle. My dad would hold him down while we tickled his ear or nose with a feather or the tip of my hair. My dad would make us pull out his leg or arm hair.

I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing lately. There are certain things that will always remind me of Papa: The Duke, Route 66, OU football, American flags, Turquoise, flannel, firemen, Easter baskets, antiques and pottery, red velvet cake, and a huge wallet. I’ll especially remember his love of cars and his model car collection or going to visit him at Reynolds Ford where he worked for 25 years. I’ll never forget when he and my parents surprised me with a new car at his dealership. Papa showed me every single operative thing on that car – what every button and lever was for. He test drove it with me for the first time. That’s a good memory.

He’s a Giver. I’ll remember the gold dollars he always gave the grandkids, or the 20-dollar bill he slipped me here and there “just because”. I know he did this with my parents as well when they were young. He didn’t have much but I guess he thought we needed it more than he did. One time, I went to the bank to deposit some gold dollars because I literally had about 200. The bank teller said, “Aww, your grandfather gave you these. You really want to deposit them?” It definitely caught me off guard. But when I think about it now, it makes my heart smile. He left his mark on everyone he interacted with. If you crossed paths with him, you couldn’t help but just know he was a special kind of person and that being in his presence was a gift. I’ll treasure the last 5 gold dollars he gave me. I’ll also treasure the two rings he gave me when I was little that belonged to Me-Maw – his mother. But most of all, I’ll cherish his love.

I’ll remember every Christmas – Papa passing out the gifts in his Santa Clause hat with the perfect, jolly tones of “HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!” I’ll remember the Mickey Mouse snow globes he gave us and how he would wake up super early and go to Dillard’s to make sure he got them. I’ll remember the look on his face when he opened any gift from his family – he was like a little kid again. Papa was all about finding joy in the little things.

I’ll remember when I was 16 and got my first job in the shoe department at Sears. He always came to see me and bought so many shoes from me.

He is so full of love. I’ll remember him walking through our front door when Jorden and I were little tikes. We would run and jump in his arms yelling, “PAPA!” every time he came to visit. I’ll remember him honking at me every time saw me driving around Norman… I would look around and be like, “Why is someone honking at me??!” and then I would see his car with the little American flag on the antennae. The last time it happened was a few months ago, and I’ll never forget that either.

I’ll remember his precious blue eyes, beautiful Native skin, gold teeth, happy belly, soft hair, strong grip, humongous hands, ears and nose, Reynolds Ford shirts, tinted glasses, Indiana Jones hat, and the faint smell of cigarettes, leather and after shave mixed with his own wonderful scent. Most of all, I’ll remember his SMILE.

Strength. Lynn Moxley is the definition of strength in all sense of the word. He might be the only person to not lose his hair after going through full chemo and radiation treatments. And sometimes I look at him now, and I think that he knows he is everyone’s rock and to lose him would be too hard for us, so he remains strong. He remains here because he knows we need him to and because he loves us all so much. After all these years of taking care of others, supporting them and loving them, it makes me so happy that he has us all here to take care of him now. To make him comfortable and to pray for him. To love him. Because he deserves it more than anything.

My Papa might not have been perfect, but perfect is how I’m going to remember him. He is one of my most favorite people on this earth, and he truly means the world to me. He taught me so much by his example. He is and always will be a true hero. He will live on in our hearts forever. His legacy will be that of love and joy and comfort.

Make a Decision

We all choose how we are going to live our lives. What works for some people, may not work for others. But no matter what we do in life, or how we do it, we must always remember that we are in control of our decisions. There is no excuse for not trying something we’ve always wanted to try. Floating along in life without cause or reason, waiting for things to happen, is a sure way to become depressed, complacent, jealous, or just generally unhappy.

It’s important that we always make a decision with what we’re going to do – what we’re going to believe. Happiness comes from making the decision – and even if it doesn’t turn out how we expected, it’s proven that we won’t be upset. On the contrary – we will actually be happier that we made the decision than if we did nothing. We will be happy because we tried something new, that we put our thoughts into action, that we learned, that we guided our lives in the direction of our own vision. And we grow in the process and let go of fear a little each time. So many doors open, so many possibilities.

We are all so unique in this world and full of color and it’s really a beautiful thing. Our decisions are our own. We make them based on many factors that are rare and specific to us, sometimes based on things going on in our lives that even people very close to us can’t know or understand. It’s the same with anything in life that we choose to do, or believe. We can’t say that our mind is better than someone else’s. Our experiences are unique, as well as our journeys.

I’ve learned… you will feel so much better if you can learn to not pass judgment on someone else or their decisions. Sometimes when we are trying very hard to not pass judgment and be free in our ways of thinking, we end up judging others who don’t see the world like we do. But how can we share in consciousness if we are so quick to assume? Rather than being open-minded, we actually become very close-minded to the feelings or thoughts of others. What a boring world it would be if we were all the same. We should support our loved ones in their endeavors and their feelings. Be happy for them and the decisions they make. Be receptive of their feelings. We are all different, but we must remember that our truths are what we cling to. If we could be accepting and understanding of our loved ones, think of the possibilities that could occur with complete strangers.

Individuality is cause for joy and celebration. When our paths cross with someone on an entirely different journey, we should celebrate in one another. Be there when our friends need us and continue to make decisions that benefit our lifestyle, heart, and soul so that we can benefit others in the natural process. If we are happy, that is positive energy that will ripple into the world. If we are happy, we will find ways to share, help, and inspire.

So, what’s holding you back? Put your dreams into action and make a decision to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t be afraid. Life is too short. The payoff will be worth it.

Love and Light

With her bare feet, and my heart as the stomping grounds, the moments that meant so much to me slowly but surely beat into a black heart. And even deeper yet, to an untouchable meadow that I’ve seen before, but is unfamiliar to me now. As I tried to understand her chaos and all its glory, my energy swirled in a hurricane around my centered heart & I became a bystander  of something I refused to see. It was a game I didn’t yet realize I was losing. So for years, I continued to chase those gentle, washed out memories. Memories that once held the bright tones of an Oklahoma sunset, dazzling the clouds who sailed amongst her, quietly accentuating her grace. But time carried the sword that eventually killed our fiery glow. I saw the black field as it opened up to me and I screamed and cried out in agony as I felt true torture.

My love is strong, tethered from bonds of perpetual pain and joy and everything in between. But what happens when it breaks like glass, and it slips like sand through the tiny spaces we sometimes find in thick edges of the real?

Hot, hard water washed over me and the strength I’ve gained will help me to release the insanity I’ve been carrying as a trophy of us. I realize now, it’s been over for a long time, but my heart would not let go, and my mind was a good liar. I allowed the hurt to escalate and move into hate without ever taking credit as I watched from another universe.

Change is constant. There is no peace in control. The colors of the sunrise find my smile and my open arms as I stand present with no limitations, and as I carry a piece of our jointed hearts, no longer as a burden. Just pure love.

And I’ve learned. In this life, pure love is validated when we feel no love in return, and we continue to endure the lack thereof, because if we stop loving, we will cease to breathe life into all the darkness that wishes to consume us, and we cannot know love without first understanding its enemy. But we can and we must let love win. Every single time. And while we may feel pure love around us that does not know hate, and we may experience it in rare moments of blinding light and glorious rainbows, we only glimpse what pure love is capable of, and when that happens, we find meaning in this life.

Passions

Recently, my Nana had a talk with me about writing down my passions and focusing on combining certain passions to figure out what I want to do with this great gift of life. She just turned 68 and she is doing the same exact thing. This list is what makes me, me. And yes, I ponder the idea of “me” all the time, and I’ve realized that “I” am a part of something so much grander than this mind/body. I have the need to find a purpose in order to hopefully make this world a better place.  I am searching. But I don’t want to spend my whole life searching. I want to spend my life being and doing. It can be difficult when I’m stuck behind a desk for 7-8 hours a day, speaking to absolutely no one except through emails and the boring/occasional “how are you?” – “good” to people walking by my desk. I work for my mom, so we do have conversations sometimes, which I like, but there are days where I literally go without really speaking to anyone in person, until I see Gareth after work. I like my alone time, especially when I have a lot of work to get done, but it can get depressing.

I try to stay connected with the outside world through Facebook and Instagram – both false senses of reality – and no, this is not “allowed” at work. Recently, my best friends and I started this group private message where we all communicate with each other at random times, and it is quite hilarious! I don’t feel that false reality, I feel love for the people who I call sisters. And we laugh, constantly, because naturally we are like the funniest people on earth.

Having an office job can also force me into such deep states of daydreaming. I get caught up in the future (and sometimes the past) and it makes it hard for me to just live in the present moment. Setting goals are good – but it’s the little goals along the way that make the journey and living in the present possible. For instance, I want to be an amazing hula hooper. But that ain’t gonna happen unless I practice every day. I want to focus on being present, aware, and open. So, anyways here are my passions:

1. Music – I love music that evokes some kind of emotion in me and/or that I feel connected to. Music is so important. Where would we be without it?
2. Hooping – I’m on 2^nd week / journey of hooping. Not going to quit this time… not happening! I love it! It brings me joy.
3. Yoga/Meditation – and I’ll also say challenging my mind and body.
4. Writing poetry, and also reading poetry
5. Traveling – I would like to see and explore this country and the rest of the world!
6. Cooking – used to hate it, now I love it.
7. Expressing myself creatively – encompassing : dancing, fashion, writing, cooking, art and…
8. I want to learn how to make my own jewelry.
9. Helping others – in whatever way I can!
10. Reading/Learning
11. Gardening
12. Love – obviously love. (Obviously Gareth. Love conquers all.)
13. Family
14. Friends : where would we be without friends – the family we choose
15.  Having FUN.

New Year

I always love to look back on the year and see all the awesome things that occurred in our lives. It’s important to cherish the good memories, and learn from mistakes. There is no sense in holding on to the past, only the present moment exists, but life is so short. It’s crazy to think about our time here on earth. Death. Acceptance of each other. And what it’s all for? Love. I know that life holds meaning and being here as people is amazing. I always try to stop and smell the roses when it comes to people I love and hold dear. It’s important celebrate the love we have in this life.

2013 was another amazing year for Gareth and me. It was filled with shows, weddings, a trip to Wales and England, Wakarusa, a wonderful 3 day String Cheese Incident for the 4th of July in Austin with the loveliest people, Interlocken music fest where we saw Furthur, and then Harvest music fest which we fell in love with, OU/Texas where we lost but still had a great time, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas. We spent time with our friends and grew closer as a couple. We also began to realize how much we enjoy time with our families and they are our best friends as well! Family has become a center theme in our lives. It’s important to have lunch, phone calls, trips, etc with our families. They mean so much to us, especially as we are getting older and maturing.

We also celebrated our first year of marriage… It went by so quickly! I think Gareth and I are really learning how to function as a team. We truly are the bestest of friends. We love playing together – it’s like our favorite thing. You could say we have our own language when we’re home together. We still learn something new about our relationship every day- communication, forgiveness, compromise, etc. It’s amazing journey and we wouldn’t want to experience this life with anyone else!

We are both looking forward to this next year so much. We have set goals and are already planning out our vacations. Last year we saved up for a new TV and receiver, and this year we are going to focus more on our house- furniture, decorating and such. Hello, 2014! 🙂

Happy

For the past two months, I have been extremely happy. I made some important changes in my life, and my depression has disappeared. There really just came a point where I had to take a stand against myself and those temptations that were beginning to take over and define me, and it wasn’t even that difficult. I may find myself struggling, but just like quitting anything that’s bad for you, you have to either replace it with something good, or don’t put yourself in situations that will tempt you. I have been more focused on love and on my marriage and my relationship with Gareth. When you focus on love, and you choose love, and remember only good times rather than bad, you can be happy. I love falling in love with Gareth all over again. Recognizing his strengths, making goals together, and finding joy in the fact that we will always have each other, and that we chose each other to spend this amazing life with. It gives me so much comfort and peace. It centers me and my existence. We have also been so focused on our families lately, and we are realizing that family is the most important thing… life is too short… and we want to grow and tend to those relationships. Our friends are a different kind of family, and we love our friends so much. The connections we have made have been such a blessing. There are still so many things I want to do for myself, but centering myself and focusing on love and family has made all that seem easy and like I don’t need to do anything except love in order to be happy. All the other stuff I want to do can just flow in my life now. I am writing this post in case I ever forget and get trapped within myself again. I am a dreamer, and I do get stuck in my head way too often. I am inspired, and then I get depressed because I am not doing all I should be.. it’s the idealist in me. I can conquer it though. I will and I am.

Christmas is all about sharing love. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and that we keep this spirit all year long. God bless.

Ramble, Ramble……….

I’ve really been wanting to write lately, but I’m just unsure what I should write about. I don’t have a theme, moral, or topic. I just feel the need to write… something…

What’s been on my mind? Lots of things – but most of all I’ve been thinking about my own well-being.

I need to find a hobby. Something that makes me happy that I do just for myself, that is a form of expression and creativity, and that I will actually stick with. I do tend to have short-lived hobbies. I pick something up for a little while, but don’t stay dedicated. I often think about going to the gym and shooting hoops again, but I feel like I’ll suck b/c I haven’t played in forever or lifted weights. Negative thoughts!!! Go away, please. I have always felt that if something didn’t come naturally to me, I didn’t want to force it, but that’s probably just because I need to practice… something that’s always been difficult for me.

I have always loved crafting and giving gifts to people. I want to learn how to hula hoop.. really hoop, at some point. I want to collect art, travel, read more books, pick up my drum, and stay connected to all my friends. I want to set goals. Experience motherhood. Find my passion or my purpose/destiny.

Patience. Sometimes it feels like our lives are in fast forward, and there are so many things to get done and so little time of day. It can make our connectivity shift or feel off kilter. It can make us feel like we are co-existing, but not necessarily functioning as a team. I need more patience with life in general and to focus on just being and not thinking about what needs to be accomplished or what I’m doing or not doing. Just take it in strides. Which brings me to…

Just Be. I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. He was telling me how he is so caught up in searching for the present, that he leaves the moment behind. There is peace found in the not-knowing. If we spend our whole lives searching for something, we will miss out on those fun, spontaneous, and meaningful moments. I love conversation, and I love exploring my mind and daydreaming, but if that’s all we do, we aren’t simply being. And if every time we talk to our loved ones about these mysteries of life that haunt us, we could miss an opportunity to just hang out and experience all the beauty surrounding us.

It’s also something I see with people who are so intent on living in the moment, that they aren’t actually living in the moment at all, they are living in the past. When you focus on moments that just happened, or something you did that you deemed spectacular or worthy of praise from your peers, the moment has passed and rather than people around you taking it in, it is ruined by interpretation. It’s difficult to stay present and just be. The future is what we look forward to and the past is what we know to be true. Nevertheless, what I will strive for is to just be.

Mood Swings… I have been experiencing the craziest mood swings lately. I can’t stand it! I have always had them, but lately it just seems so intense. I rarely feel “normal”… I’m either in a really good mood, or I’m in a tense, depressed mood with a splitting headache. And it literally changes from day to day. I never know how I’m going to feel. And during both it’s like either great memories flood my mind, or not-so-good ones. When I’m depressed, I am so in my head that I literally can’t understand or see things clearly or how they are. I’m wondering if I need to be more spiritually sound (well, I do, but I wonder if it will fix the issue), or if my hormones are out of whack b/c of my cycle/birth control, or if I’m really just crazy! Or all of the above. I don’t actually think I’m crazy, or that there is something wrong with me, b/c I am just me… right? I sometimes feel like I’m extreme versions of myself, but maybe that is normal for me?

When I think about myself, I think I have so much love to give, like neverending amounts of unconditional love to whomever/whatever requires it of me. I also get stressed out easily and I have the “Past Tense” essential oil on my desk b/c I never know when I’m going to need it. I used it about 7 times yesterday. I’m super emotional, but I really do love that quality about myself. I cry when I’m angry b/c I have to let it all out some way and anger is really sadness! I hate being angry. I hate being in fights with Gareth, and I hate feeling like my best friends and I aren’t on the same page. (I don’t care if I use the word “hate” in these contexts because it’s true.) I don’t think of myself as a judgmental person at all b/c I’ve had PLENTY of people judge me in my life, and it does not feel good at all! So while I had a chip on my shoulder for years, I’ve let it go. I am very traditional when it comes to family and friends. I’m stubborn to no end – and I get it from my mama. (Love you, mom.) I have found that I’m not always right… and that it feels good to give in and say sorry and just let things go, but it’s something I need to work on still. My favorite thing to do is listen to people when they need it and try to help them find a solution or help them feel better. People always open up to me, even if they might not know me that well, and I always listen and try to help in whatever way I think will work for that person, because everyone needs that.

See how much I analyze myself? I think too much. But I have to, so I can understand myself, my strengths and weaknesses. I feel better already.  Life is about being in the present moment! When I write, I feel so present.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Halloween and that everyone feels loved! Give more hugs! They transfer positive energy and everyone needs to feel that.

a quiet drawback – poem

I was reading through some old poetry on my computer, and I found this poem I wrote in the Fall of 2007. I feel like it was/is about Gareth.

 

i was lonely in the earth of my mind

desiring a kiss or a connection

from you

 

rain rested its tears upon my sidewalk

staining my neck with the grey water

 

i placed my body between the bricks

and listened to the beat of your smile

 

deciding to stroll behind your shadow

i hid from all you

could have

would have

offered

 

so now

i dress my legs with beads of winter

trimming my season with solitude

 

i’ll remember you

won’t forget you

and i’ll forever keep away

Love #5: Live as Time Changes

I’ve been thinking how crazy life has been these past 4 years. So many things have happened in such a short time, and it just keeps on evolving. I am happy that I’ve kept this blog for 3 years now. It documents so many experiences, so many feelings I’ve had throughout these years, and it serves as a journal for my thoughts.

I just wrote a blog about Gareth and I buying a new home and how much we love it. I still can’t believe it’s our home! It’s our third place to live with each other, and so far, the happiest. I don’t think that really has anything to do with the house though. Our first apartment was… a learning experience. We were beginning to understand the concept of “home” with each other, away from our parents, and it took us quite a while to adjust to it. Looking back, that 9 month period could either be considered the best or the worst time of our relationship together. Best because we were so young and impractical. Worst because – well for the same reasons! It was hard. It’s where Gareth cut his hair, got a “real job” and it’s where I learned how to cook meals using an actual stove (and no, not grilled cheese!). We fought with each other in order to fight for our relationship. And yes, a few objects were broken in rage. I’ll never forget it. Neither will he. To say we have come a long way since then would be an understatement. The Apache house is a different story. It’s almost as if we categorize our evolution with our place of our residence at the time!

We’ve managed to learn how to control certain aspects of our personalities, but that’s not to say we still have our moments! Of course there are times when you don’t want to control outbursts or feelings building up inside of you. But inner peace is our goal, and that is being able to control those emotions, to stay unaffected by things we have no control over, and to not let our anger take over our love or blind us. Chemistry is something from the stars. Life is not about maintaining that chemistry 24/7, but realizing if something is off and the chemistry isn’t perfect, let it be. As much as we would love to remain 100% connected, it’s just not possible.

I think what I’m trying to say is that falling in love is one thing, but maintaining love is hard work. In the beginning we feel something so fierce, that we believe there will be no more suffering. We feel so intensely that our troubles have disappeared and that life finally makes sense.

But we all evolve. We all change. Therefore our love changes. Looking forward is a dream. Being present is what we all strive for, but we can learn so much when we look back and spend time thinking about our past without becoming stuck or fantasizing about it. Pain and suffering are inevitable when we attach ourselves to people or things. But I realize now that any suffering I have felt is not so harsh because I have that unconditional love in a partner I will spend the rest of my life with. I hope that makes sense in some way. In bringing this all together, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am learning that it is okay to not have that undying chemistry with my partner at all times. There are moments when we fall in love all over again. There are moments when we experience joys and highs together because of all the beauty we are surrounded by. There are moments when there is just that feeling of peace because I know he is mine and I am his. I know we desire to be with one another, that we are making this life together, that this is what we chose and we are both extremely happy with our decision. Because in the beginning, it didn’t feel like a choice. It felt like a calling, or an omen. Now, as we choose to keep functioning as a pair, while also growing as individuals, our love means something different, something more. Each triumph we have is a part of making something greater for “us”.

Being content and happy is the feeling we associate with our new home because it symbolizes a new beginning, a future where we will someday have babies, and a love that has overcome so many obstacles, and will continue to do so.

Why we are LOVING our New Home

Where do I begin? There are so many reasons why we love our new home, and I think the #1 reason is probably that it’s all ours. Yes, we have a mortgage, but we are paying our money towards a house that belongs to us, not somebody else, and that is such a great feeling. We are happier, and it’s not because of the materialistic quality, but the fact that we did this together – we bought a house together – and we know it will be our home indefinitely.

#2 – Everything about the house itself! The location for one, and we are just so in love with our floor plan. It’s a split-bedroom – so our side of the house is where we hang out most, but we are slowly creating a lovely ambiance for the 2 guest bedrooms and bath on the other side of the house. We also love the design. We have a bar! Skylights. Laundry room. Garage. Things we’ve never had before, that really make our lives a lot easier with our new space! Going from a one-bedroom apartment to the house on Apache seemed like a whirlwind of a difference, so this is just sooo wonderful! Ever since we first saw the house, we’ve had an abundance of ideas for it that we will accomplish little by little. Dreams that will one day become realities. I can’t wait to start decorating here and there and accumulating new things over the years on our adventures.

#3 – We were able to start a garden, something I’ve always wanted. Currently, we are trying to grow okra, squash, tomatoes, red bell peppers, jalapenos, banana peppers, cayenne peppers, and herbs. It’s really fun to walk out to your own backyard and pick some basil or cilantro for your dinner. It’s also fun to be a part of the process and just learn about gardening as you go.

Getting started:

Now:

#4 – there are no cockroaches. Something we had a problem with at our old house. Central Norman is just infested with roaches and it’s really a pain to get rid of them. We have normal bug problems now. I can’t. handle. roaches.

#5 – It just seems like we can do anything now. We feel really connected as life partners. We can do whatever we want in this life, as long as we work hard and stay patient and make time for each other. Instead of feeling limited, we feel the doors to our dreams are open wide, and we can experience so much with each other. We both feel like we get along better now, we understand each other, we are happier, and we agree on everything most of the time. Which is quite an awesome feeling for us. We’ve had struggles here and there, as that is a part of life, but it’s crazy just how far we have come over the last 3 years. And it’s all because we want to – we need to. We love each other, and that gives us the drive and motivation to keep moving forward. The house has opened a door for us though in terms of achieving a lifelong goal together. We are definitely stronger as a couple, and that makes life have meaning!

Can’t wait to have everyone over to see it in due time. 🙂

String Cheese Incident – 4th of July 2013

There really hasn’t been anything like what happened at The Backyard SCI gathering this past 4^th of July weekend. Love was shared; revelations of the minds took place, the beauty of our souls connected and friends were solidified for a lifetime. It was all so intimate, and yet so powerful, that nothing will ever top it. The collective experience that we all became a part of was just pure, blissful perfection, and just when we thought we couldn’t get any higher – our best friends got engaged right before our eyes.

Ian and Maggie are yet another example of true love. They have made it work through so much that’s happened in their lives because they have found the one their soul loves and they are not about to let it go! They are an inspiration to all of us. There is NOTHING like that moment when a man gets down on one knee and asks his other half to spend the rest of this life with him. Nothing. The feeling is a whirlwind of emotion, shooting stars and endless skies. To be watching that, and feel that love, was truly amazing. And String Cheese must have known something special was taking place that night, because they played to the beat of Ian and Maggie’s love and we all joined in for the spiritual love fest that radiated every color and tune imaginable.

There are just some defining moments in our lives, and for me, this past weekend was one. I can’t even put it into words, but all I can say is that we are all truly BLESSSSSSSSSED BEYOND WORDS to have such beautiful souls in our lives taking up and exploring such beautiful space! We are making SOMETHING WONDERFUL out of NOTHING, and we are using our imaginations and our hearts to be magnets of love and joy. To be connected to each other on such a real and spiritual level, and to have so much fun with each other… We can all learn from one another and see so much, so clear! The puzzle pieces are fitting exactly where they need to be, and I’ve made so many best friends this summer. We are all open fields/open minds/open hearts… ready to give all we have, and accept all we can, and keep the cycle, the circle, moving round and round. We are a light shining bright together and we all felt it through String Cheese Incident, and continue to feel it here in Norman.

I just can’t express how thankful Gareth and I feel for all of our friends, old and new. You all make us better, and that’s the truth. 😀

 

 

Timing

It’s hard to believe there was a time in my life where I actually relished and enjoyed darkness. In college, I explored myself profoundly and the things I saw were terrifying and confusing and I had to understand and know why I was that way. But what’s more, I sometimes felt like I was most comfortable there. Quiet. Watching. Listening. Honing in on beauty, longing for acceptance, waiting for answers, growing through doubt and feeling almost complacent in loneliness and mystery. I have distinct memories of sitting on a bench by myself somewhere on campus, people watching or soaking in the trees’ whispers, or walking barefoot in the rain to class with no umbrella, or waking up in the mornings and letting the vibrant greens in nature after a storm fill my eyes with wonder, smelling the books in the library and trying to get lost in the Stacks. I always had random notebooks, journals or sheets of paper filled with words. I explored my mind constantly and I always tried to be aware of the beauty around me. But I felt alone. I felt sad. I talked to myself and my head was constantly circling with thoughts. In the midst of all the chaos surrounding me, or drama in my life with friends or boyfriends, I cherished my alone time more than anything. There was always this sense I had that nobody could or would ever understand me, no matter how close I let them or how much I let them see. But for the most part, I didn’t let people see because every time I did, I would get so upset or angry that they didn’t understand or care and it disappointed me. This is how I felt on the inside. I didn’t always show it and I of course hid behind certain shields to protect myself.

My life isn’t perfect now, but I have seen things and experienced things I never thought I would. My whole world has changed and the crazy part is that sometimes I long for those days of confusion and complete adolescence. I don’t know why. It is a place that I was so used to. But one thing I’ve realized is that life is all about timing. There are specific moments in life that occur at just the right time and you look back and you just know your life would be so different if you didn’t meet that person at that exact moment or you weren’t in some place at some time when something amazing or terrible happened. Our choices and timing are everything and I have to believe that we are given these moments over and over in life, but we don’t notice or realize why until we are ready to see it. Every moment is a gift. Something special could happen in any given moment, but if we aren’t ready to see it, or if we are too blinded by our minds or inhibitions or fear, then the moment passes. And there are times when we ask the question, “Why me?” but if we take the time to look back at our choices and what we saw or didn’t see, it might become more clear why we are hurting. But all is not lost because there will always be more moments, more chances and when we are ready, our lives can change in an instant. Isn’t that so powerful?

I remember this experience vividly that I had when I was young. I was at church with my Nana in Paul’s Valley because she really wanted me to see this prophet speak. So I was sitting there in church, listening to him speak, when all the sudden he just stopped mid-sentence and looked me in the eyes. He walked over to me and started speaking to me and asking me questions. He said something to me that I will never forget. He told me that I was beautiful, inside and out, but that there would be a period in my life where guys would only see my outward beauty and they would not really “see” me. He told me that it would be okay though and that I needed to wait, because God was telling him that one day there would be someone who saw me, inside and out. The sermon was taped on a cassette tape. When I got a copy, I took it home and I played that part over and over again. I think about it now and I get so emotional. I don’t know what you believe in, and I know we all have our different ideas of God, but this was something so powerful to me and makes so much sense when I look back on my life. When Gareth and I first saw the movie Avatar in theaters, there is this part when they tell each other “I see you.” It was how Gareth and I felt about each other, and it was perfect. And it’s funny to me that I’ve seen Gareth for many years of my life, known who he was, had a crush on him even, and even had missed opportunities in college where I ran away from him. But there was something about that night at The Deli when he saw me dancing from across the room and we connected immediately. It was our time. Our moment. And we both knew it instantly. Crazy stuff!

After we met, my life was on a roller-coaster of change and more and more opportunities and moments began to happen and my eyes began to open. There have been trials and tribulations, but right now I can truly say that I have never been so happy or confident in my entire life, and looking back, I know it’s because through my journey in this life, I was finally ready to get out of my head and see things that were right in front of me. I was ready to take a chance and I knew something special was about to happen. So that’s my little rambling of the day and things I’ve been pondering. I will always be myself and I will always have dark moments, but I also have love, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.