The below paragraphs are something I started writing on 3/26/14. I’ve added things here and there – and finally deciding to post it.
In so many ways, I feel like I’m 2 people, but I’m not. I am one person, wanting/needing/desiring/craving 2 different things at the same time. Often my mind feels so unclear, muddled – questioning and answering and overwhelming myself with all the possibilities. I wonder if it’s my hormones/my cycle to blame. I wonder if I am normal?
I don’t know if I believe it’s healthy to always self-evaluate, to get so wrapped up in self-improvement. But here I am – evaluating. I do love myself, I even like myself, sometimes I believe I am the only one who understands myself. (There’s always the distant reminder though that the self does not exist, that we don’t actually matter, that the life I live isn’t really happening or it’s all happening at once but in different ways every time, that we place too much value on the clock, that time is running out and we forget to live, that all that matters is losing the self.) And being a person that lives mostly in my head, I don’t know how productive it is, if at all. What seems to happen is I have all these thoughts, I act differently than what I’m thinking, and then this dialogue develops and it’s frustrating when I can’t just say what I mean/what I want without fear of sounding negative, or jealous, or bitchy, or stupid, or dumb, or mainly: fear of disappearing and not being valued or even heard at all.
When the extreme positive mood strikes me and I’m feeling happy to just be alive, if someone happens to deter my path, operate on a different wavelength, especially if it’s someone I am close to, I get annoyed. Probably because it’s something I worked so hard on becoming, on doing, and it’s hard for me stay on my own path without getting distracted. It’s hard for me to feel that I just coexist. And the more I try to find the path that will lead me to my ultimate happy self, and it works for awhile, something happens, I get knocked off kilter and I see myself treading further away from such a path, almost to the point of not believing it exists. I love to laugh. That deep laugh that makes you feel so free – it’s something I long for every day. But then sometimes it’s like there’s this thing inside me that prevents real/true/divine laughter, as if in that moment, I’m afraid of letting myself go, of letting myself experience true, pure joy. There are other times, though, when I have no choice in the matter. Joy just overcomes me and laughter (and usually tears as well) pour out of me – those are the moments we live for, right?!
I have found ways in which to help myself have shared experiences, bonds, joy and love. I have found people that do listen to me and care about me in a way that was lost from me for years. I absolutely love and cherish my tribe of people – my family and close friends. They are the ones who understand me and my emotional shifts. In that regard I do feel very thankful. I have molded my own ideas and am no longer afraid to live my life in a way that just makes sense in my mind. I have always had the sense that love is sacred, that we know love because we are loved first by God, but that our love is not perfect and can often come at a price because we are only human. I have held to the principle that we are all unique and different and beautiful and there is not one thing that makes one of us better than the other. We are all in this together, trying to figure it out. Pure love is what we have been given. It feels so amazing that it’s almost too much at times. Hate is what happens when people believe love must pay a price, when we allow the mind to surrender to anger and then begin to destruct because love is no longer the answer. There is NOTHING that holds all truth except NOTHING. The sweet-smelling meadows, the cool summer rain, the enchanted evergreen forest – yes, it would all exist whether or not you’re there to smell, see, touch, be in, experience it in any way.
As for my mind, me right now, I am happy. I can always be better, and I will continue to try. Life is a puzzle, I’m where I’m supposed to be, and while there are many pieces still to be found, the connecting ones I have found make life so sweet.