A different sorority experience

COLUMN: Are you sure joining the greek system is right for you?

by, Laney Ellisor/The Daily

Monday, August 22, 2011

Editor’s Note: This is a firsthand account about one woman’s experience. We understand there might be others on campus who have a different story to tell, and we encourage you to share that story with us by emailing dailyopinion@ou.edu.

This is the story of my journey in and back out of the greek system and my motivations for both decisions. My experiences gave me insights that I felt were my duty to share with the women who are unsure — like I was — whether they should rush and where they belong. I hope any woman searching can find her answer here.

BE SOMEONE, BE GREEK

“If you’re not greek, you’re nothing at the University of Oklahoma.”

So said my longtime friend one night as we swung on the Walker-Adams Mall swing set. He was a Phi Gamma Delta pledge; I was an impressionable high school senior.

The greek system was foreign to my rural hometown of Broken Bow, but all my mentors from summer leadership camps were in houses. I thought to be someone I had to be greek, so I was already planning to go through formal recruitment.

The summer after graduation I received a pamphlet in the mail from the OU Panhellenic Association. It included instructions on how to dress for each day of formal recruitment and countless pictures of beautiful women wearing greek letters. The message was clear: Be a part of something bigger than yourself; join and you will be happy; go greek.

I think this strategy works on most women, but I was bothered by all the sameness. College was about freedom, opening your mind to the ideas of new people, inclusivity. For that, I needed independence, not rules. My mind was set; I threw away the literature.

JOINING THE RANKS

Sometime during my first semester I began to doubt my decision. Friends were hard to make and social events were hard to find. My Delta Delta Delta roommate wasn’t having those struggles, so I began researching each sorority to see if there was one in which I would fit.

These were some of my impressions: Chi Omegas are about scholarship; Kappa Alpha Thetas are Bible-beaters; Tri Deltas are super-involved on campus; Alpha Chi Omegas party hardest; and Alpha Gamma Deltas are recruitment’s leftovers.

Whether or not these stereotypes were true, they were widely accepted. I began letting friends in participating houses know I was interested in informal recruitment.

A member of Alpha Phi, a sorority I hadn’t heard anything about, invited me on a “date,” where she and another member told me what their house had to offer. They said it was defined by the variety of its women, which sounded perfect for me. I signed the paperwork within the week.

At first, I felt like royalty. I was given more presents during new membership than I could fit in my dorm (I would discover later that I paid for them as part of my dues). Even outside of Alpha Phi, I could sense the respect those two letters had garnered me. To faculty and students alike, I was someone now.

THE LOOK

Let’s fast-forward to formal recruitment with me on the other side.

We were given “little black books” that explained what we were to wear — from underwear to jewelry — on each day of the week. The colors, the designer brands, our hair — everything had to be just so.

Uniform isn’t the word though, because we were assigned different options based on our body types. “Pears” were to hide their hips and butts while “apples” were to hide their breasts and tummies, so that we were all perfect “bananas.”

During outfit checks, women from nationals squinted at us as they scrutinized our interpretations of the “book.” Many of us were told to find something else to wear or to purchase some Spanx.

During the two weeks leading up to recruitment, we rehearsed about 10 hours per day. We practiced songs about how much we loved one another and skits about all the fun Alpha Phi offered. We also practiced conversation, as in how to relate anything a potential new member said to Alpha Phi.

Then there were the star PNMs, or “potential new members” marked as special, because they were legacy, particularly pretty or talented (read: a cheerleader, dancer or singer). We memorized their names and faces using god-awful rhymes like “Katie Scott is really hot.” We would later be assigned to rush similar women to give them the impression that “Alpha Phis are just like me!”

Most of all, we practiced bouncing. Chanting and clapping and bouncing, for god’s sake. “Louder! Bigger smiles!” the recruitment leaders yelled at us. The goal was for the other houses across the neighborhood to hear us. I saw women made to bounce until they cried.

We were given one day off before recruitment began to get manicures and pedicures, haircuts and spray tans. We were gorgeous, baby. Some must not have been gorgeous enough, though, for they were assigned to the back room or to back rows.

We ranked the PNMs on categories such as leadership and presentation, which was, of course, a euphemism for beauty. The categories were to have equal weight, but I noticed only the women with high presentation scores returned the next day. In answer to that concern, I was told something like this: “A pretty girl can become personable, but an ugly girl can’t become pretty.”

Worst of all, no black women returned. I was told we were too new on campus to taint our image. I will say no more on the subject, because that says it all.

HOUSE BUT NOT A HOME

So there I was, beginning my sophomore year living in a mansion with almost 90 women that weren’t what I was led to believe. Women I no longer respected. I’m not sure I respected myself. But I had signed a contract; my parents had already paid my dues. To the tune of $7,000, I was to live at 1401 S. College Ave. for the duration of the school year.

To make a long story short, I stopped going to anything Alpha Phi-related not labeled mandatory or fineable. I felt alienated in my own home. Few women related to my interests or how I spent my time. I practically lived at Gray Owl Coffee, because it was the only place I felt welcome. I even began seeing a therapist at Goddard Health Center.

It was only then, when trying to be the opposite of a sorority woman, that I became the woman I had set out to become the year before. I poured myself into my professional writing studies and leadership positions. I was doing what I loved — leading and learning — and through those extracurriculars, I made like-minded friends.

I dropped Alpha Phi Saturday, May 14, and my life has been on the up since.

BE SOMEONE, BE YOU

I’m still not sure what makes you someone at the University of Oklahoma. What I do know is who I am and what I do. I am an editor at The Oklahoma Daily, a leader of many OU organizations and the recipient of several OU scholarships and awards. If that doesn’t make me someone here, then I don’t think someone is what I want to be.

I write this now not to say sorority life is wrong for every woman. I also have nothing to say about fraternity life; how could I? And my final disclaimer: I do not pretend to know the inner-workings of sororities other than Alpha Phi. But I imagine them to be similar.

So I write this because I had no choice; it was writing itself in my head, begging to be put on paper. If I can assure one Laney out there of her decision not to rush, I will be satisfied.

I believe we must, in all our decisions, be true to our instincts in order to become the best versions of ourselves. So to every woman reading this: be strong and confident in your beliefs and interests, whatever they may be. You will be happy. Best of all, you will be you.

Laney Ellisor is a professional writing junior and The Daily’s assistant managing editor. Ellisor was a member of the Alpha Phi sorority from February 2010 to May.

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I think it’s comical that people are getting so offended by this article in the OU Daily when most, if not all, of what she said is true. It really isn’t a question of good journalism or not… it was a story, her story, that she has the right to write and put out there. People have written many comments, objecting her point of view right beneath the article.. so it’s not like they aren’t being heard. I just think people are used to hearing the opposing side. It’s refreshing to hear someone else speak their mind.. someone that doesn’t fit in the mold, someone that didn’t find utter acceptance and happiness by going Greek and someone who FINALLY sees why rush is LAME. Because let’s face it, all we want in life is to be seen, heard, accepted and loved. For all the girls that find all of that through their sorority, that’s wonderful, but for all the other ones, go out in the world, explore, be you and find people who can inspire you and lift you up and make you happy. I thought it was good.

On another note, I have seen all sides of rush, and it is just plain stupid. There has to be some alternative way to recruit girls. I went through rush as a freshman, rushed girls my sophomore year, and was a Rho Gamma my junior year, helping/guiding all the girls that were going through rush. I don’t understand it and I never will. Even I was sucked in to the madness because every one else was so into it. Afterward, I was left completely exhausted, empty and confused by what had just taken place. Why can’t we be rushed like dudes and actually get to know the girls and stop being so goddamn fake and judgmental of one another? Like come on, when are we as women going to stop this bullshit? It starts in about 8th grade never stops. It’s fine to be competitive and strive to be the best, but there are always going to be people who get left behind or pushed aside. Cheers to those girls, and cheers to the ones who realize there is more to life than spray tans, fake nails, perfect bodies, expensive clothes, and Greek letters.